TEACHER: What are you writing?

PUPIL: A letter to myself.

TEACHER: What does it say?

PUPIL: I don't know. I won't get it till tomorrow.

TEACHER: Where is your pencil, Harmon?

PUPIL: I ain't got none.

TEACHER: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harmon? Now listen: I do not have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. They do not have a pencil. Now, do you understand?

PUPIL: Not really. What happened to all the pencils?

TEACHER: Want to hear the story about the broken pencil?

PUPIL: No, thanks, I'm sure it has no point.

TEACHER: Why do they say the pen is mightier than the sword?

PUPIL: Because no one has yet invented a ballpoint sword.

TEACHER: Dorothy, what did you write your report on?

PUPIL: A piece of paper.

Fred did a report about the phone book.

He wrote: "This book hasn't got much of a plot, but boy, what a cast!"

Mrs. Johnson asked the class to write a composition about what they would do if they had a million dollars. Everyone except Fannie began to write. Fannie twiddled her thumbs and looked out the window.

When Mrs. Johnson collected the papers, Fannie's sheet was blank. "Fannie," said Mrs. Johnson, "everyone has written two pages or more, but you've done nothing. Why is that?"

"Nothing is what I'd do," replied Fannie, "if I had a million dollars."

TEACHER : Fred, your ideas are like diamonds.

FRED: You mean they're so valuable?

TEACHER: No, I mean they're so rare.

TEACHER: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.

FRED: Of course. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Your poem is the worst in the class. It's not only ungrammatical, it's rude and in bad taste. I'm going to send your father a note about it.

PUPIL: I don't think that would help, teacher. He wrote it.

TEACHER: What does "coincidence" mean?

PUPIL: Funny, I was just going to ask you that.

TEACHER: Define "procrastination."

PUPIL: May I answer that question tomorrow?

TEACHER: How nice that you have your new glasses. Now you'll be able to read everything.

PUPIL: You mean, I don't have to come to school anymore?

TEACHER: Please explain the difference between sufficient and enough.

PUPIL: If my mother helps me to cake, I get sufficient. If I help myself, I get enough.

TEACHER: Your spelling is much better. Only five mistakes that time.

PUPIL: Thank you.

TEACHER: Now let's go on to the next word.

TEACHER: How many "i"s do you use to spell Mississippi?

PUPIL: None. I can do it blindfolded.

TEACHER: Mort, how do you spell Mississippi?

PUPIL: The river or the state?

TEACHER: Spell "rain."

PUPIL: R A N E.

TEACHER: That's the worst spell of rain we've had around here in a long time!

TEACHER: Carlos, how do you spell "imbecile?"

CARLOS: I M B U S L.

TEACHER: The dictionary spells it "I M B E C I L E."

CARLOS: Yes, teacher, but you asked me how I spelled it.

The teacher asked for sentences using the word "beans."

"My father grows beans," said a girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

Then a third child spoke up, "We're all human beans," he said.

TEACHER: Use the word "knockwurst" in a sentence.

PUPIL: A chicken joke is bad; an elephant joke is worse, but I'd rate a knock knockwurst

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

PUPIL: I is . . . .

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."

PUPIL: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.

PUPIL: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

TEACHER: Alvin, how many letters are there in the alphabet?

PUPIL: 18.

TEACHER: Wrong, there are 26.

PUPIL: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after them.

TEACHER: How many letters are there in the alphabet?

PUPIL: Eleven.

TEACHER: Eleven!

PUPIL: T H E A L P H A B E T = 11 !

TEACHER: If "can't" is short for "cannot," what is "don't" short for?

PUPIL: Doughnut.

PUPIL: Him and me helped clean up the yard.

TEACHER: Now, don't you mean he and I helped?

PUPIL: No, Mr. Jones, you weren't even there.

TEACHER: What are subordinate clauses?

PUPIL: Santa's helpers.

TEACHER: Rudolph, describe a synonym.

PUPIL: A word you use when you can't spell the other word.

TEACHER: Herman, name two pronouns.

PUPIL: Who, me?

TEACHER: Correct!

TEACHER: Wade, give me an example of a double negative.

WADE: I don't know none.

TEACHER: Excellent!

PUPIL: I ain't going.

TEACHER: That is not correct. Listen: I am not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now do you understand?

PUPIL: Sure, teacher. Nobody ain't going.

TEACHER (to the class): Can anyone tell me the imperative of the verb "to go?" (No reply.)

TEACHER: Go, class, go!

CLASS: Thanks! See you tomorrow!

How is an English teacher like a judge?

They both hand out sentences.

TEACHER: What are you doing under your desk?

PUPIL: Didn't you tell us to read Dr. Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?

What is an autobiography?

A car's life story.

"Please hush," said the librarian to some noisy children. "The people around you can't read."

"Really?" asked one little girl. "Then why are they here?"

Fred took a book from the library because the cover read "How to Hug."

It turned out to be Volume VII of an encyclopedia.

Did you hear about the riot in the library?

No, what happened?

Someone found "dynamite" in the dictionary.

TEACHER: Will you two please stop passing notes!

PUPIL: We're not passing notes. We're playing cards.

TEACHER: Spell "weather."

PUPIL: Weather. W A E F H A R. Weather.

TEACHER: That's the worst spell of weather we've had in a long time.

TEACHER: For your homework, I asked you to spell "tomorrow" and you spelled "today. "

PUPIL: That's because I did my homework yesterday.

TEACHER: Can you spell "banana"?

PUPIL: Banana. B A N A N A N A N . . . . I can spell it, all right I just don't know where to stop.

TEACHER: Spell "Javelin."

PUPIL: That's too hard and long for me.

TEACHER: And I guess you're not that sharp, either.

TEACHER: Can you spell "caterpillar?"

PUPIL: How long do I have?

TEACHER: Why?

PUPIL: I want to wait until he changes into a butterfly. I can spell that.

TEACHER: Why should we never use the word "ain't?"

PUPIL: Because it ain't correct.

FRED: I know English good.

HARRY: I know English well.

FRED: Good, then both of us ain't gonna flunk the exam.

TEACHER: Use the word "hyphenated" in a sentence.

PUPIL: There used to be just a space between these two words but there ain't no more because the hyphen ate it.

TEACHER: Mark, please stand and use the word "deceit" in a sentence.

PUPIL: I would rather sit down because "deceit" of my pants has a hole in it.

TEACHER: What do two negatives make?

PUPIL: A double exposure.

TEACHER: Why is the room buzzing?

PUPIL: We're getting ready for the spelling bee.

TEACHER: Can you spell atrociously?

PUPIL: Sure, and I have the F to prove it.

Can you tell me one word that contains all six vowels?

Unquestionably.

Why did the A, E, O and U get in trouble?

For using vowel (foul) language.

What do you call two graphs?

A paragraph.

Why didn't the English student want to write poetry?

She heard that rhyme didn't pay.

What happened when the English class started writing poetry?

Things went from bad to verse.

What is the most mathematical part of speech?

The add verb.

How often do English teachers talk about grammar?

Noun then.

What part of English are boxers best at?

Punch-uation.

What did the little kid use to write his essay about the beach?

Sandpaper.

What did the messy student write with?

A pig pen.

What did the little stream have to do for English class?

A brook report.

What letter of the alphabet can fly?

The J.

What are the three least friendly letters?

NME.

What letter is small and green?

P.

What letter does a sailor love?

The C.

What letter is most in debt?

O.

What letters are the smartest?

The Ys.

What two letters are the most jealous?

NV.

What are the two coldest letters?

IC.

What letters have nothing in them?

MT.

What are the two youngest letters?

BB.

What two letters smell terrible?

PU.

What two letters are surrounded by water?

IL.

What are the busiest letters?

NRG.

What two letters grow inside a fish tank?

LG.

What three letters are a musical instrument?

PNO.

What two letters can paint?

RT.

What letters are a flower?

PNE.