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来源:天星 更新日期:2009-09-17 点击:

Let's face it: Breakups are about as much fun as food poisoning — and they can cause even the most cool, collected woman to curl into a fetal position on the floor for days.

If you've recently gone from coupledom to splitsville, read on. Cosmo sat down with Greg Behrendt (He's Just Not That into You) and his coauthor wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, to discuss their bestseller, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy.

In your book, you suggest having no contact with your ex for 60 days and enlisting a pal to make sure you don't drink 'n dial after a breakup. But is it really so bad to call him on day 58, just to see how he's doing?

Put that phone down and don't backtrack! You've had 58 days of being strong and independent — the mess is behind you. Ask yourself: Is it really worth going back? In your gut, you'll know the answer. Make it your mission to give yourself a purpose — other than pining for your ex. See a movie, read a book, take a walk (not down his block!) — whatever takes your mind off of him.

How do you know that your first post-breakup relationship isn't just a rebound?

The fact is, it probably is a rebound relationship. But there's nothing wrong with that. Just be candid with the guy. When you say to Mr. Rebound, "I'm totally getting over this breakup right now, and this is your lucky day because I just want to have fun," he'll probably be psyched. How great to get to be the "have-fun-guy" instead of the dude you're trying to pick out china patterns with. For some men, that's like winning the lottery!

What if you broke up with someone, but realize maybe you were perfect together after all. Should you call him and try to get back together?

If you find yourself feeling that way, it's probably a case of what we call "dumper's remorse." Starting over can be tough, so often we end up second-guessing decisions and rewriting the relationship. We forget the reason we broke up. Avoid contact and wait for your common sense to return.

How do you know when your guy has already decided in his head that it's over, but he's not going to cut the ties — what you call in the book a "backhanded breakup"?

Guys will pick fights over little things when they don't have the guts to get out of a relationship. So if you're fighting over leaving the curling iron plugged in, that's probably a sign that something bigger is going on. He's just waiting for you to get mad and say something like, "Well, then maybe we shouldn't be together!" Then all he has to say is, "Good, I'm outta here." It's very sneaky.

Can you ever really be friends with an ex?

When you're first trying to get over someone, you can't immediately plan to be friends. You need to have distance to see him for who he really is — that's why we recommend the 60-day "he-tox." Exes who end up as friends have usually had significant time pass — years, not months or weeks. But hopefully, you'll be in a rockin' new relationship and won't want to bother with dragging anything old into it.

What if you're close to your ex's family and still want a relationship with them even though it's over with him?

You also loved those pair of jeans — but they're his jeans. That's his family. It's not for you to keep. Let them go.

Can revenge ever be good therapy, like flirting with his best friend or spreading a nasty rumor about him?

The best revenge is getting on with your life and living it to the fullest. Because you're doing it for you, not somebody else. Greg once dumped this woman and a year and a half later, he saw her on the street. She looked terrific and was with a total babe. She never called him after it was over but clearly had moved on with her life. That's the way you would want to be seen. Don't hound him with IMs, break into his e-mail, or hook up with him when you're both lonely at 2 a.m. hoping you'll get back together. Keep your dignity intact and set out for the new direction in your life. That's the best way to get back at him.



科斯莫和格雷格贝伦特(《只是因为他不适合你》的作者)以及他的合著者,他的妻子Amiira Ruotola – Behrendt一起探讨他们的畅销书——《之所以被称为分手是因为这是一种关系的破裂——聪明女孩的分手密友》。















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