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感情贴士:分手是因为他(她)不适合你

来源:天星 更新日期:2009-09-17 点击:

Let's face it: Breakups are about as much fun as food poisoning — and they can cause even the most cool, collected woman to curl into a fetal position on the floor for days.

If you've recently gone from coupledom to splitsville, read on. Cosmo sat down with Greg Behrendt (He's Just Not That into You) and his coauthor wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, to discuss their bestseller, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy.

In your book, you suggest having no contact with your ex for 60 days and enlisting a pal to make sure you don't drink 'n dial after a breakup. But is it really so bad to call him on day 58, just to see how he's doing?

Put that phone down and don't backtrack! You've had 58 days of being strong and independent — the mess is behind you. Ask yourself: Is it really worth going back? In your gut, you'll know the answer. Make it your mission to give yourself a purpose — other than pining for your ex. See a movie, read a book, take a walk (not down his block!) — whatever takes your mind off of him.

How do you know that your first post-breakup relationship isn't just a rebound?

The fact is, it probably is a rebound relationship. But there's nothing wrong with that. Just be candid with the guy. When you say to Mr. Rebound, "I'm totally getting over this breakup right now, and this is your lucky day because I just want to have fun," he'll probably be psyched. How great to get to be the "have-fun-guy" instead of the dude you're trying to pick out china patterns with. For some men, that's like winning the lottery!

What if you broke up with someone, but realize maybe you were perfect together after all. Should you call him and try to get back together?

If you find yourself feeling that way, it's probably a case of what we call "dumper's remorse." Starting over can be tough, so often we end up second-guessing decisions and rewriting the relationship. We forget the reason we broke up. Avoid contact and wait for your common sense to return.

How do you know when your guy has already decided in his head that it's over, but he's not going to cut the ties — what you call in the book a "backhanded breakup"?

Guys will pick fights over little things when they don't have the guts to get out of a relationship. So if you're fighting over leaving the curling iron plugged in, that's probably a sign that something bigger is going on. He's just waiting for you to get mad and say something like, "Well, then maybe we shouldn't be together!" Then all he has to say is, "Good, I'm outta here." It's very sneaky.

Can you ever really be friends with an ex?

When you're first trying to get over someone, you can't immediately plan to be friends. You need to have distance to see him for who he really is — that's why we recommend the 60-day "he-tox." Exes who end up as friends have usually had significant time pass — years, not months or weeks. But hopefully, you'll be in a rockin' new relationship and won't want to bother with dragging anything old into it.

What if you're close to your ex's family and still want a relationship with them even though it's over with him?

You also loved those pair of jeans — but they're his jeans. That's his family. It's not for you to keep. Let them go.

Can revenge ever be good therapy, like flirting with his best friend or spreading a nasty rumor about him?

The best revenge is getting on with your life and living it to the fullest. Because you're doing it for you, not somebody else. Greg once dumped this woman and a year and a half later, he saw her on the street. She looked terrific and was with a total babe. She never called him after it was over but clearly had moved on with her life. That's the way you would want to be seen. Don't hound him with IMs, break into his e-mail, or hook up with him when you're both lonely at 2 a.m. hoping you'll get back together. Keep your dignity intact and set out for the new direction in your life. That's the best way to get back at him.

我们需要面对现实,虽然分手会像食物中毒一样让人难受,它能使最酷、最镇定的女性萎靡不振好几天。

如果最近你正好经历了从同居到分居的生活,那就接着向下看。

科斯莫和格雷格贝伦特(《只是因为他不适合你》的作者)以及他的合著者,他的妻子Amiira Ruotola – Behrendt一起探讨他们的畅销书——《之所以被称为分手是因为这是一种关系的破裂——聪明女孩的分手密友》。

在书中,您建议60天不要和过去的情人接触,并要多和朋友们在一起以保证分手后自己不会酗酒。但是如果在第58天的时候打电话给他,看看他在干什么真的有那么糟糕吗?

不要打电话,不要走回头路!你已经过了58天的坚强独立的生活,那些论七八糟的事情已经过去了。问问自己:回头是否值得?在你心里你肯定知道答案。给自己个目标作为任务,但不要是为以前的情人消瘦。看看电影、读读书、散散步(不要去他在的街区),任何能让你忘了他的事情都可以。

你怎么知道分手后再谈一次恋爱不是别人趁虚而入呢?

实际上,可能会有这种情况。但那也没什么,只要对他坦诚就好了。你可以对他说:“我现在还在分手恢复期,今天是你的幸运日,因为我只是想玩玩。”这样可能会让他做好心理准备。变成一个“寻找乐趣”的人总比在一群人中找个纨绔子弟相处好的多。而且对很多男人来说,这就像是彩票中奖一样!

会不会有这种情况,你和某个人分手后突然意识到你们在一起其实是个完美组合?如果是这样,应不应该给他打电话挽回这段感情?

如果会有这种感受,那可能就是我们称之为“赌徒的懊悔”的情况了。分手后开始的日子会很艰难,通常会让我们对自己的决定重新评价,然后结束分手重新在一起。然而我们却忘了我们分手的原因。所以还是要避免和前情人接触,然后你的常识会回来的。

要怎么样才能知道你的情人已经在脑子里决定了要结束这段感情,只是还没有去做呢,也就是你书中提到的“模棱两可的分手”?

如果还没勇气提出分手,他们会对一些小时吹毛求疵。如果你们正在为有没有把烫发钳的插销拔掉而吵架,可能就预示着有什么更重大的事情要发生了。他只是在等你愤怒然后说出“好吧,可能我们不适合在一起了”这样的话。然后他就会说“好!我现在就搬出去!”这是很卑鄙的做法。

能和以前的情人成为真正的朋友吗?

你正处于跟某人分手的恢复期时,不会马上打算跟他成为朋友的。你需要跟他保持距离,看看他到底是个什么样的人。这就是为什么我们建议60天不要接触的原因。要和以前的情人成为朋友需要经过相当长的时间,这可能需要几年的时间,而不是几个月或者几周。但是我希望还是开始一段新的感情,而不要和过去拉拉扯扯的好。

如果你和前情人的家人关系很亲密,即使已经和他分手了也还想和他的家人保持联系,这样行吗?

你也喜欢那些牛仔裤,但那是他的牛仔裤。同样,这是他的家人,没必要继续保持联系。

报复会不会是个好的治疗办法呢,比如和他的朋友调情或者散布对他不利的谣言?

最好的报复方式是过好自己的生活,让自己的生活尽可能的充实。你这样做不是为了别人而是为了自己。格瑞格把某个女人甩了,然后一年半后又在街上看到了她,她看起来好极了,还有个理想的情人和她在一起。分手后她从来没给他打过电话,但很清楚她过得很好。这才是你应该想要的结果。不要给他发信息、不要非法进入他的电子邮件、不要在凌晨2点你们都很寂寞的时候打电话给他说你想要和好。要保持自己的尊严,开始新的生活。这是最好的报复方式。

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